Mental illness and self-harm

Spurningur: I’ve been having urges I want people to beat me up and rape me my emotions are too much for me to handle I can’t take it anymore I prefer being beaten until I bleed and break my bones than feeling this mental pain I starve myself as a punishment and if I accidentally eat too much I force myself to throw up I’ve been having constant panic attacks and guilt it makes me feel nauseous I feel so disgusted at myself I’m so fucking gross these urges are ruining me I sometimes even have thoughts about convincing my friends to hurt me and no I do not have a fetish or kink for getting beaten and rape i just struggle with these feelings I feel like I deserve to be treated this way why do I want to be treated this was so badly these urges I can’t keep hiding them I have to tell someone about this the only way I can dim down these thoughts is by drawing them I really hope that doesn’t make me a problematic person I REALLY don’t want to be problematic that’s horrible i surprisingly don’t have any self-harm scars I was able to hold myself back but I don’t know how much longer I’m able to do that I fucking hate myself so much I keep fucking everything up I had this one friend who was very dear to me he was really nice and fun to talk to he would say “I love you” or “you’re cute” to me in a platonic way I just got hooked to those words but one day I drew vent art using his oc as a self-insert character and he asked if he could see it I did warn him it contained sensitive content and when I did send it he called me disgusting he barely answers me anymore I feel so ashamed for what I did I didn’t mean to make him mad but it’s too late now what has been done can’t be undone I’ll miss him but I can’t force him to be with me and I think this was my final last straw I couldn’t handle it anymore I usually never show or talk about my emotions but recently it’s all been spilling out of me I’m failing school my grades are shit and I was thinking if I don’t make it in the last exam in 9th grade I’ll kill myself there is no use to keep going I know I will fail no matter how hard I try I always failed so I’ll stop being a useless animal to everyone and I will commit suicide I’m so fucking pathetic i just want to be dead already well i think that’s all for now thanks for listening

Dear you.

Thank you for your letter. I’m glad you’re reaching out and talking about how bad this feels instead of keeping it all inside.

What you’re carrying sounds incredibly heavy. When someone starts believing they deserve pain, punishment, or abuse, it usually means they’ve been hurting for a long time. You do not deserve to be treated badly, hurt, or violated by anyone, no matter what your thoughts tell you.

Losing closeness with a friend can feel devastating, especially when you shared sensitive content with that person and let them know vulnerable parts of you. And when school is also going badly at the same time, it can make everything feel hopeless and permanent. But feelings are not predictions. Failing exams, losing a friendship, or struggling right now does not decide your value or your future.

You mentioned thoughts hurting yourself and about ending your life if things go badly this summer. That tells me this has become too heavy to carry alone. You need support from a real person around you — an adult who can stay with you in this and help you deal with these thoughts and feelings. It could be your parents, a teacher, the school nurse, a relative, coach, or another safe adult. You do not need to explain everything to them all at once. You could start by saying something like: “I’m not okay and I’ve been having thoughts about hurting myself”

It is important that you don’t punish yourself by isolating. The voice in your head that says you deserve suffering is not telling the truth, even if it sounds convincing right now.

For now, try to focus on the near future, not your whole future, not summer, not exams, not the rest of your life. It can be helpful to focus on small practical matters that are good for you, they count. Such as trying to get enough sleep, put on music or a show that calms your mind a little, stay near safe people if possible, do not stay alone with thoughts spiraling for hours.

If you feel you are in acute danger of hurting yourself or ending your life, you need to talk to your parents or contact Skaðastovan. You do not have to earn help before receiving it.

The fact that you’re hurting this much does not mean you are broken beyond repair. It means you need care, support, and time.

You can always call or write back to Tú og Eg Ráðgevingina á 116 111.

 

 

 

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