Dear you,
Thank you for writing. It really seems like you are carrying a lot. You describe having difficult days for years, sleeping poorly, skipping school because you feel awful, and being very alone with your feelings. You bite your lips until they bruise, scratch your legs, and hurt yourself when things get too overwhelming. You also experience your body acting on its own, dissociation, trouble focusing, and big emotional shifts. From deep sadness to short moments of sudden excitement. You have also been bullied since 2nd grade. This is very heavy for a 14-year-old to carry alone.
What you are feeling is a sign that you need support, and not that you should deal with this on your own. The fact that you tried to open up to friends and then regretted it only shows how long you’ve had to protect yourself. It does not mean anyone was harmed by listening. It means you have felt alone with too much for too long.
I know you say therapy isn’t possible. But when a 14-year-old is struggling as much as you are, an adult really does need to know, even if it feels impossible. It could be a teacher, the school nurse, a relative, or another adult who you trust. You don’t need to tell them everything at once. Just start by saying that you are struggling and need someone to talk to.
The letter you have written shows how much is built up inside you, trying to get out. You haven’t given up, you are still trying to find a way through this. And that is where the hope is.
Please write again if you want to. You are not alone here.