Dear you,
First of all, thank you for being so honest and brave writing the letter. It takes a lot of courage to put words on your feelings, especially when you have had such a hard time for so long. What you describe sounds extremely exhausting, and it makes such good sense that you’re feeling low and worn out.
It is obvious you are doing your best just to get through the days, even though you might not feel it. Feeling trapped by your phone, struggling with self-care, and being stuck in a cycle of low mood and impulsive thoughts are most likely signs that you are under a lot of pressure. NOT that you are weak. Waiting for an ADHD/autism diagnosis can feel like being in stuck and being unable to do anything, but it’s important to know that help does not have to wait until you have a diagnosis. It is actually very important to also get help while waiting.
If you feel that you can’t talk to your parents about how bad things feel, try to reach out to another adult who you trust. Maybe a teacher, the school nurse, a therapist, or an adult relative who you trust. You shouldn’t have to carry suicidal thoughts alone. Even though your mother’s reaction wasn’t helpful before, you are NOT selfish or manipulative for feeling hopeless or wanting the pain to stop. You are trying to cope with very heavy thoughts and emotions.
Small steps can matter more than you think right now. For example, getting out of bed, eating something, going outside for a few minutes, or writing down what you feel instead of just keeping it in. These are ways of caring for yourself, even when you don’t have much energy.
With the right kind of help, things can absolutely get better. It might take more time than you would like, but every small step counts. Hang in there! You’re not beyond help. You are still here, and that matters.
All the best,
Herborg