Spurningur: I just wanna cut so deep so so so so deeo but im a little pussy and i know the medical complications so i wont do that but i fantasize often imagine in my head, even animate cutting so deep, cutting so deep in my wrist and then pulling out the nerves and pulling out my organs. I have such a bad feeling in my stomach sometimes it makes me just wanna put my arm thru my throat and grab and pull out the bad feelings i wanna pull out my organs, and i at the same time feel nausoues of the feeling not really neaousous but i wanna throw it up. I dont hate myself infact when i look in the mirror i wonder how im not dating anyone yet im so beautiful and yet im bullied so much not even bullied that muvh anymore but it feels like it cuz i was not that long ago and people always seem to think i feel so bad just becausw of bullying it isnt just bullying ive been feeling bad i feel so bad even without the bullying ita just a fraction of it, i do t even knkw why i feel so bad anymore. I just wanna cut so deep i bleed out i just wanna pull out my veins and organs. I fantasized about killing myself at like what 7 to get revenge on people to get then to regret what they did, im happy i didnt do it i wanna live and i believe i have a bright future.
But also im sure that no help is going to stop me from self harm, i read abt it on the internet “use a icecube” “use a rubberband” “cut something else” this is the stupidest thing ever does anyone think this will help anything. I dont understand why im like this i can genuinely not false laugh with my friends have so much fun be happy all day and then just be crying and crying and crying and habing all these thoughts. Id say they consume me but they dont not all the time, it only feels like they consume me when i feel them and thats definately not all the time but it also feels like all the time.
And ive written here and there a couple of times but nothing i ever hear helps me, not comfort from my friends, not any advice on the internet, not any advice here, not what my school nurse said nothing.
What is wrong with me?!?!?! I dont understand anymore i dont understand anything and now i cant even sleep im writing this at 2am i dont understand. I wish there was just a cure. Can i not get help does help just not work for me? Am i truly hopeless? Im filled with hope and hopelessness and despair. I dont understand anything i dont understand. I dont wanna die but some days ago i just was laying in my bed and just decided to put my head in my pillow and stop breathing, i dkd t do anything though, i stopped before anything happened. I sometimes just do that, just am about to end it but deicde its not time. If i were to do i wanna die peacefully after a good day, but id never do it. Just like id never cut myself so deep. I just want it to stop.